What We Rememebr

Well everyone knows I am about as deep as an ice tray and I rarely take myself serious. But I have to share.

Yesterday was the anniversary Steve Castner's Death. He was killed in Iraq by a roadside bomb. Yesterday wasn't that hard for me. It was the day before. I have a google alert set to sent me a message every time his name shows up in an online publication. On July 23rd, I got seven alerts. Reading those were rough. Mainly because his unit (forgive me for my military speak) is coming home. Some already here I think the rest are coming home Sunday. He was the only one not to return home. Its bittersweet, I am so happy that they are back and safe. But I miss Steve. I know his parents went to welcome the troops home I can't imagine being so strong.

I remember getting the phone call and saying "Are you joking?". I mean what a cruel joke but one that I wish was true. I left my office because I needed to talk to friends or just be around friends. I am sure it was the first time I have ever hyperventilated. I don't know if you ever felt like you were losing your breath but it is a sense of panic and despair that no one should have to deal with.

I think it's funny that I can see my little stuffed panther, Hector P., and vividly see Castner shoving him into his mouth. Or coming to work (Where Hector used to live) and not seeing Hector on the top of my monitor and knowing directly where to go.

Weird just thinking about gives me this sinking feeling that makes it hard to type. I have had a hard time writing about that day or Castner. This is me forcing myself to put feelings down on "paper" that are still so new.

This is too stressful, so...